Chapter 38

"You are my home"

Sunday

Ha Na carefully stretched out her entire body while she yawned and then slowly opened her eyes. She looked at the ceiling and felt confused for a moment, until she realized she was still at Jimin's home.

Still not entirely awake, Ha Na slowly sat up on the bed, but then felt her heart jump inside her chest when she noticed the sleeping boy next to her. Startled and confused she gently poked him on his cheek, making sure he was real and then jumped out of the bed when she realized it wasn't a dream.

I must have fallen asleep yesterday, thought Ha Na to herself as she watched the boy who was still sleeping like a child. Not wanting to wake him up, she tiptoed out of the room and then found her way downstairs. It was hard moving around in the dark with the sun still not up, and she didn't want to turn on the light in fear that she would wake up someone.

When she reached the last step on the staircase, her foot suddenly slipped and she fell right on her butt, certain that she just made a really loud noise even if she couldn't hear it herself.

Internally scolding herself for not being careful, she slowly got up and then walked to the living room where she sat down on the couch. But she didn't get to sit there for long before the light suddenly turned on and  she nearly had a heart attack. 

Ha Na quickly turned around and then met with two sleepy eyes and a faint smile from Ha Jun.

"Good morning," said he and Ha Na nodded as response, "I heard a sound coming from downstairs. Did you fall or bump into something?" Ha Na quickly got out her phone and started typing in her message.

I am so sorry I woke you up, I just slipped on my way down the stairs.

"No no, I usually get up early so don't apologize," spoke Ha Jin quickly after reading Ha Na's text, "but, are you alright? You didn't hurt yourself when you slipped?" Ha Na responded by shaking her head while smiling.

"That is good then... that is good." There was a short while where Ha Jun just stared into the air and Ha Na sat quietly on the couch, not knowing what to do. Then suddenly, Ha Jun looked at Ha Na and said:

"Do you want a cup of coffee?" Ha Na nodded and followed Ha Jun to the kitchen where she watched him brew a cup of coffee for both if them.

"There you go," said Ha Jun after he put down the cup in front of Ha Na and she sent him a wide smile before blowing on the hot coffee. Without saying anymore, Ha Jun took a cup for himself and sat down next to Ha Na. For a while they both stayed like that without looking at each other or trying to start a conversation, simply enjoying the coffee while slowly waking up.

As Ha Na lifted her head and looked outside, she saw the sun rising behind the large trees which beautifully lighted the house and everything around it. In a matter of seconds, Ha Na jumped up from her chair and ran upstairs, leaving Ha Jun completely startled, but soon after he saw her coming running back down again, this time with a camera in her hand. Not even sparing him a single glance, she continued running outside and then got into position, holding the camera to her eye while trying her best to adjust the focus like Sang Hoo had taught her so the picture would turn out well. Ha Jun remained in his seat and watched her through the window while Ha Na kept trying to get into a different position to take the picture and he couldn't help but smile when he looked at her.

"So, you are a photographer," said Ha Jun when Ha Na got back inside and she quickly put the camera down so she could get out her phone again.

I am still learning.

"I am sure you will become a wonderful photographer, you already have a mindset of one, seeing you storm outside at that speed," said Ha Jun and laughed a little, making Ha Na feel a slightly embarrassed.

"I used to like taking pictures as well, mostly as a hobby," said Ha Jun and Ha Na walked a bit closer so it was easier to read his lips.

Why did you stop?

"Well... after Kyung Hee died... I just stopped doing a lot of things, I guess," said Ha Jun and Ha Na noticed how the sadness had found his way onto his face, "I think a lot of things reminded me of her, so I just stopped."

I am sorry, I shouldn't have asked.

"No it is alright, I don't mind talking about it," said Ha Jun even though it was easy to see how this conversation affected him, "it is important to talk about her, I am trying... to get better at it, for Jimin's sake as well." Ha Na didn't reach out for her phone again, but just looked at Ha Jun, giving him her undivided attention, and her calm personality somehow made it easier for Ha Jun to just open up to her.

"I never had the same relationship with Jimin as my wife did. Kyung Hee understood that boy in a way I could never do, maybe because she was an artist? I am not sure, but those two used to talk for hours. They would just sit in her room while she painted and he would talk to her about everything and nothing. But when she died, I didn't know how to help him, I didn't know how to talk to him about it, so I just didn't talk to him at all. I don't think he has ever talked to anyone about it, whenever someone asks about it, he just drops the conversation quickly. But it is my fault, I should have reached out to him earlier, now look at what has happened to him." Ha Jun was interrupted as a phone was placed in front of his face and he looked at the screen.

It sounds like you have had a hard time, but you are a good father and Jimin loves you. He will be alright, he just needs a bit of time and a bit of help from you.

"Thank you," said Ha Jun while still looking at the screen with a smile, "I am happy Jimin has found a sweet girl like you. Since you are a part of our family now, please don't hesitate to contact me if you need help with anything, alright?" Ha Na looked at Ha Jun while she felt a warmth enter her heart and she couldn't reply with anything besides a nod and her best and most heartfelt smile.

"That is good," said Ha Jun, "but where is this boy anyway? The sun is already up and he is still snoozing?"

I think he needs to sleep in today, he hasn't been sleeping much lately.

"Ah.. Yes you are right," said Ha Jun and nervously rubbed his neck, which suddenly made him look even more like Jimin and Ha Na couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"W...what now? Why are you laughing?" asked Ha Jun and laughed awkwardly. Ha Na forced herself to stop laughing and then typed in the message on her phone.

When you rub your neck like that, it just reminds me of Jimin. I guess he got that habit from you.

"Oh he does that too?" said Ha Jun and rubbed his neck again, but only for half a second until he realized what he was doing and then removed his hand, something that seemed to only make Ha Na laugh again.

"What is so funny, so early in the morning?" 

Ha Jun turned around and watched a very sleepy Jimin walking down the stairs and Ha Na immediately ran to his side and started asking him a bunch of questions in sign language, which Ha Jun didn't understand anything of, but his heart immediately felt at ease when he saw how Jimin was making an effort to answer her in sign language and he chuckled when Ha Na teased him for being wrong.

"Seriously, why are you making me sign so early in the morning? I am not even awake yet," said Jimin and went into the kitchen and started brewing a cup of coffee for himself.

"No, let me do that," said Ha Jun quickly and got up, "you can just sit and talk with Ha Na.

"But she will just tease me again," complained Jimin, but then saw Ha Na doing a "I won't, promise" sign behind Ha Jun's back, "you won't? Okay then."

After brewing a cup of coffee for Jimin, all three of them relaxed for a bit in the kitchen before they decided to eat a light breakfast and then move to the living room.

"So, Ha Na," said Ha Jun suddenly and Ha Na looked at him, "is there anything you want to do today?" Ha Jun and Jimin looked at Ha Na as she seemed to be thinking for quite a while, until she lifted her face again and looked at Jimin with a somewhat serious expression.

"Can you translate for me?" asked Ha Na in sign language.

"I can give it a try," replied Jimin in sign language.

"What is she saying?" asked Ha Jun.

"She wants me to translate," said Jimin.

Ha Jun watched as Ha Na spoke in sign language to Jimin, trying to see if he could comprehend the sentences by watching their facial expression and lips movements, but he had to give up in the end.

"Do you understand what I said?" asked Ha Na in sign language while looking at Jimin in worry.

"I understand," replied Jimin in sign language and then looked at his father and spoke: "she is asking to go visit mom."

***

It didn't take long before Ha Jun had packed up some food and water and all three were seated in the car. Since their house was far out in the countryside, it did take a little while to reach the nearest cemetery where Kyung Hee was buried and Ha Na spend every single minute in the car rethinking her decision. Not a single word was spoken between Jimin and Ha Jun, and Ha Na didn't try to make conversation either, but just made sure to hold on to Jimin's hand the entire time.

The sky was filled with grey clouds where the sun hid behind them, which made the wind seem even colder and harsher. Ha Na was glad she remembered to bring her scarf and made sure to wrap it around her neck several times and sipping up her coat so she was able to withstand the cold.

"Aren't you cold?" asked Ha Na Jimin in sign language and he simply shook his head in response.

"Are you feeling alright?" asked Ha Na then and again Jimin replied, this time by nodding.

As they followed behind Ha Jun, Ha Na clutched Jimin's hand, while Jimin simply focused his gaze on his feet. Ha Na watched the many grave stones they passed and read the names inside her head, thinking about the many families that had lost someone precious to them. For the first time in her life, Ha Na realized she had never lost someone close to her. Sure, her grandparents had died, but that happened when she was still really young and didn't really understand things. For the first time, she felt her insides twist and turn as she walked down the path of a cemetery and for the first time, she felt hear eyes tear up when she looked at a grave stone.

The stone Ha Jun had stopped in front of was small and humble, nothing was magnificent or eye-catching about it. It was simply a grey stone with a name and a date written on it. But still, it made Ha Na feel so much sorrow inside her heart and she suddenly felt the need to clutch Jimin's hand even more.

If being here makes me feel like this, how hard must it be for Jimin? asked Ha Na herself and she looked up at Jimin who still hadn't lifted his head from the ground since the entered the cemetery. She suddenly noticed Ha Jun turn around and walk towards them as they were standing a few meters behind him.

"I think I will take a stroll around the place," said Ha Jun and Ha Na noticed how his eyes had turned slightly red, "I will be right back." Ha Na nodded, but Jimin didn't say anything and just stayed still until Ha Jun was out of sight. Ha Na looked at Jimin and waved his hand in front of him to get his attention.

"Why don't we go a bit closer?" signed Ha Na and took a step forward, but Jimin didn't move an inch from his spot, which made Ha Na turn around again and patiently wait for him to say something.

"The... the thing is..." said Jimin and Ha Na watched as his lips were trembling while he spoke, "I haven't really... visited mom's grave.... Since the funeral." Ha Na could feel Jimin's hand shaking and she walked back so she stood right in front of him.

"Then," signed Ha Na and Jimin looked at her with tears in his eyes, "don't you think it's about time?" 

Jimin looked at Ha Na who remained calm and he slowly nodded and followed along as Ha Na walked up to the gravestone. Without saying or doing anything, they just stood next to each other and looked at the stone that was so filled with memories in spite of it being a dead object. Ha Na again felt Jimin's small hand tremble in hers and she looked up and saw how hard he was trying to hold back his tears, but in the end he had to give in and let everything out. Watching Jimin pour all his emotions out without holding back, Ha Na felt a single tear slide down her cheek while she looked at Jimin. Feeling another tear tickle on her cheek, Ha Na turned her eyes from Jimin and to the stone, while she just allowed herself to quietly sob. 

While they continued holding on to each other, they both looked at the gravestone while the tears kept falling and none of them cared for how long they would have to stay like that. Having bottled up his feelings for so long, Jimin was in great need of letting it all out, and watching the person she loved break down like that, Ha Na couldn't help but break down alongside him.

After what felt like an eternity, Jimin asked Ha Na if she wanted to go for a walk in the nearby forest. She nodded and Jimin sent his father a text message saying they would be back soon, before they both walked off together.

The naked trees made the forest seem more open and let in the small amount of light from the sun every time it wasn't hidden behind the clouds. After walking for a little while, they seemed to reach an open area where a bench was placed, facing the open fields in front of them. After looking at each other, they both walked towards the bench and sat down. For the first time in hours, Jimin let go of Ha Na's hand and he leaned back in the bench while he took in a deep breath.

"How are you feeling?" asked Ha Na a bit nervous.

"Better," replied Jimin simply.

"Can I ask you something?" asked Ha Na and even though Jimin feared what the question would be, he nodded, "how did you mom die?" Having thought about it since the day he first told them about it when she and Jung Hwa visited him and the boys in the dorm, Ha Na finally allowed herself to ask the question.

"If you don't want to talk about it then-"

"It is okay," said Jimin quickly and interrupted Ha Na's signs, "I don't mind telling, not when it is you." Ha Na looked at Jimin with a smile and stayed quiet as Jimin slowly gathered up his courage to begin the story.

"It not even something grand like in movies and comics where she is killed by a psychopath or has a long term illness. She just... she just went out for groceries... and then... she just didn't come back. They said she had a stroke while driving and crashed into a tree. Because we live so far away from the nearest city, it took a while before someone passed by and was able to call an ambulance, but at that time, it was already too late." Ha Na watched in silence while Jimin told the story without a pause and she reached out for Jimin's hand and held it tight like before.

"She just... went out for groceries. Sometimes I wonder if something would have been different. If I went with her? Or if she didn't go at all and she had the stroke at home. Would we have been able to call an ambulance in time, would it have made a difference? I have thought about countless of scenarios, but in the end it doesn't really matter. She went out for groceries alone. She got a stroke. She crashed. And she died." 

There wasn't a single tear showing in Jimin's eyes while he spoke, if possible, it seemed like he calmed down with every word he uttered and a sudden peace seemed to show on his face as he turned around and looked into Ha Na's big beautiful eyes.

"Thank you for listening," said Jimin and Ha Na sent him a smile.

"Thank you for telling me," signed she with one hand, still holding Jimin's with the other one. For a while they just looked into each other's eyes, not caring that the wind was completely messing up their hair and not even thinking about the cold.

"Can I kiss you?" asked Jimin and even though his sudden request startled Ha Na, she nodded along.

After carefully placing his hands on each of Ha Na's small red cheeks, Jimin moved a bit closer to her and then placed his lips on hers. Soft and gentle, no force or passion, just two sets of lips touching for a brief moment before Jimin pulled away again. He looked at Ha Na, at the woman in front of him he was proud to call his girlfriend and he gently caressed her cheek.

"I love you," said Jimin while signing and Ha Na blushed from his sudden confession but quickly returned it by signing back.

"I love you too."

"Please stay by my side until we are both so old we can't even remember our own names, okay?"

"I will," signed Ha Na, "but then you have to take better care of yourself so you can live untill you are so old you will forget your own name."

"I will do my best to take better care of myself," said Jimin, "if you are by my side I can do anything!"

"Then I promise to stay by your side, during the good times and the hard times." Jimin looked at Ha Na as she signed those words and for a moment he looked into the distance while thinking. He then turned his head and looked at Ha Na again.

"You know how people use the word "home" about the house they grew up in or the house they are currently living in?" Ha Na nodded, not knowing where Jimin was heading with this question.

"But you can also have the feeling of "being home" when you are with someone, and when you have found such a person, it doesn't matter where you are in the world or how many hardships you will face, because whenever you are with that person, you will feel like you are home."

"What are you trying to say?" asked Ha Na.

"What I am trying to say is...," signed Jimin and looked deeply into Ha Na's eyes, "When I am with you... I am home."

The End

Hello everyone!

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading this story and giving me your precious time. I so wholeheartedly hope you enjoyed it, from beginning to end. I know this story isn't perfect, it has a lot of flaws, being written a while ago. There are many things I would do differently if I wrote this story from the beginning again, but somehow, I don't want it to change. 

This story isn't just fiction, it is a peek inside my heart. When I read it, I remember the exact feelings I felt back then, and sometimes, I feel something new because I have changed. I remember why I love writing, and I realize I will continue to write until the end of my days. 

In spite of all the flaws of this story, I hope it made you feel something too. Whether it was love, joy, sadness, frustration, anything. If the story could touch your heart, even in the slightest, I couldn't ask for anything else.

Please, do leave a comment down below, let me know if I was able to touch your heart, even just a little bit. And again, thank you so much for reading this story.

Love, Annalise~

Oh wait, remember to read the Epilogue, right? ;)