How I lost my joy of writing

Since I can remember, people have asked me 'why I write' and my answer was always the same; "because it makes me happy." Yes, it is as simple as that. I never wrote because I wanted to become a published writer one day, I didn't even plan for people to read what I wrote, I just loved the feeling I had whenever I sat down and let the words flow from my mind and onto the paper. When I think back, I really was the happiest whenever I wrote. When others were outside playing during recess, I sat at my table and wrote my stories. When others went home with their friends, I went home to be with my characters and write down their journey. I was never lonely because of writing.

But then something happened.

Life happened.

When you are 12 years old and have almost no commitments, no full time job, no rent to pay, no apartment to clean, it's amazing how much free time you have, and I just wasn't ready to realize that I simply didn't have as much free time to write as I did in the past.

But that wasn't all. When I was 12 years old, I didn't care what people thought of me and the fact that I wrote. I just did what made me happy and no one could take that away from me. Sadly, that mindset of mine didn't last. I started feeling like I wasn't allowed to write for fun, so I told myself "if I get something published then I will become a real author."

In 2016 I got stress and in 2017 I went on a long term sick leave from work because of stress and a minor depression. I tried to write but whenever I did, I would fuss about every little sentence I wrote. Every word had to be perfect and when I couldn't make it perfect I would just break down, because if it wasn't perfect, how would I get it published? I no longer wrote what made me happy, I wrote what I thought would be able to sell as a published book and I had never been more depressed.

How I got the joy back

As you all know if you have followed me for a while, I am writing happily again, so what happened? What brought back my joy? It all started with this Youtuber TerryTV. I found TerryTV not long after I got into KPOP and he released a video where he read BTS fan-fictions out loud. After watching it I went on Wattpad because I wanted to read the end of the story. Well... after that I stayed on Wattpad for almost 3 years.
In the beginning I only read stories, because writing fan-fictions was definitely not being a "real" author in my terminology at that time. But the more I read, the more I thought about how fun it would be to write a fan-fiction myself. So one day I just decided that I would do it. I would write a fan-fiction, but I wouldn't do it seriously, I would just write whatever I felt like writing and have fun while doing so. And of course I had to write about my BTS bias, Suga!

I seriously had never believed that writing fan-fictions would be the way to bring back my joy of writing. For the first time in YEARS I felt the same happiness whenever I sat down to write, that I felt back when I was 12 years old. The fact that I had allowed myself to write without giving any restrictions, but just writing whatever I wanted to, made me so happy. This also played a huge role in my recovery from the stress and depression.

I still remember the day I was at my psychologist's appointment and I told her I had started writing again. She asked me: "You write? Why have you never told me about that?"

The thing is, I used to see the same psychologist for many years but in 2017 I changed my psychologist and when she told me she didn't know I wrote, I realized how long it had been since I had written and how long it had been since I had proudly spoken about it.

We had a good talk that day, she wanted to hear everything about what I wrote and she said writing was the best thing I could do to get better. She also said it was a sign of recovery, because when you are depressed, the things you usually do to make yourself happy, doesn't make you happy anymore. The things you usually do to relax, makes you stressed. So when you are finally able to do those things again, and those things makes you happy, it's a sign you are getting better.

What do I want to say with this?

Years have passed now and I'm feeling great. I went back to work/education in spring 2018 and finished my education in April 2019. It's crazy because back in 2017 I didn't think I would ever be able to finish my education and I never thought I would be able to write happily again, but now I am and I have to say; I am proud of myself.

So as a side note, if things are tough on you now, don't be scared that you'll break down or won't meet your goals. Life goes up and down and you just have to keep fighting, then one day you will be able to look back and be amazed at how much you could endure, and you can look forward and see a future that you can't wait to create.

Now why am I writing all this for you to read? For one, because talking about this also reminds me how far I have come and it reminds me to never let go of my joy of writing again. Another reason is, because last year I was starting to lose the joy again. Without realizing, I was getting back to my old habits and began fussing about making everything perfect again.

One of the reasons this happened is probably because I had gotten accustomed to many people reading and commenting on my books which at the time were posted on Wattpad, but at one point, a lot of people left Wattpad and many were too busy with exams and school and life in general to read, so I felt lonely. I started questioning myself and my books. Wondered if they weren't good enough. Wondered what I could do to make more people read my books. Yes it's awful, I know, but I seriously got greedy. 

Then I thought back to the time I used to have one reader, when I had first started out on Wattpad, and that used to be enough for me. I reminded myself that I write for myself and not for others, the fact that others read and enjoy my work is only a bonus that comes along with it. And the truth is, if I don't write something that I enjoy, it won't turn out very good. In fact it will most likely turn out to be straight up garbage.  As BTS says, you have to learn how to love yourself before you can let others love you. The same thing applies to writing. You have to learn to love your own writing before others can love it. No matter how many comments or how many people reads your book, it will never be enough before you yourself are satisfied and happy with your work.

How you can keep your joy of writing

❖ Strive for happiness, not perfection
Write what makes you happy and don't fuss about making every single sentence into best sentence ever written in the history of writing. If you write romance, then write things that makes your own heart skip a beat. If you write thrillers, then write things that make you shiver by thought of it. If your writing can affect you, there's a much bigger change it will affect your readers as well.

❖ Don't focus on the qantity of people reading your story
If you fuss about how many people reads your book or how many comments your get, this can easily take away your joy. Because one day, some of your regular readers will be busy with their real life and they won't have time to read or comment on your books for a while. So if you have gotten yourself used to having a certain amount of reads and comments, then it will be very tough to keep writing in the periods where everything seems dead.

❖ Don't give yourself unrealistic goals or deadlines
Goals can be a good thing because I keeps you motivated. But if you aren't a published writer, and you write for fun, like me, then it is important to remember, that writing is your hobby. There will be moments when you don't have time to write, there will be moments when you just don't feel like writing and that's okay, you need to allow yourself to take breaks, because pushing yourself to write is a one way ticket away from the joy of writing. Being creative isn't easy, words doesn't just flow magically out of your mind and onto the paper. It's hard work and it's okay to not always want to write.

❖ Proofread your woork, but don't edit your story until it is done
If you are a writer like me, who publish your story chapter by chapter, it is very important to proofread your chapters before publishing them. Otherwise, you will end up with a lot of grammatical mistakes and typos. In general, I have a rule of never publishing something the same day I have written it. Leave it be for a day or two, come back to it, read it again and correct your mistakes.
But what if you are halfway through your book and you have realized you aren't very happy with the beginning of your story. Maybe you realized a plot hole or you just want to change up some scenes and chapters. I know it is very tempting to put the story on-hold and go back to edit, but I really want to strongly advice you against this. When you are writing a book, just focus on finishing it for now. Going back to edit can lead you into an evil circle of editing over and over again because you just aren't satisfied, and suddenly you won't get anything written anymore. You might get so burned out you end up dropping the book.
Therefore, my best advice to you is this: Focus on finishing your book first, and then sit down to edit everything!

❖ Fight writer's block with an outline
I think most of us have tried having writer's block at one time or another, and nothing is better at taking away your joy of writing than experiencing writer's block. I have read many tips on how to fight this but what I have come to realize, at least in my case, is that writer's block is here to tell you something.
Maybe you aren't satisfied with your plot? Maybe you don't like the scene you're about to write? Maybe you don't feel connected to your characters? Writer's block can tell you many things, but my best advice will always be to look at your outline. And if you don't have an outline, make one! Because looking at your outline will help you realize what part of your story you aren't satisfied with and once you've changed it, there is a high change the writer's block will go away and you will feel like writing again.
Now, doing this can also be a bit scary, because writer's block can also be here to tell you that you just don't want to write this story anymore. And that brings me on to the next tips

❖Don't force yourself to finish every book you start
I know it's an awful thought to discontinue a book, but it's better than pushing yourself to write a story you don't even like anymore. The good thing is, this isn't a job. There's no contract that binds you and no editor or company who forces you to finish your book. So if you find out that the reason for your writer's block and your lost joy of writing is because you just don't want to tell this story anymore, then stop writing it. You don't owe anyone anything, it's your book and your choice.

And that's all the tips I had for you. I hope it was even just the slightest bit helpful and I hope you'll all keep writing and keep growing as authors.

Happy writing

Love Annalise~